Help! I'm stuck on Kid Island!

Okay, so after lurking around Facebook in the middle of the day AGAIN, I'm going to stop pretending I'm not constantly on my new(ish) laptop searching for someone to "talk" to. Not that I don't love the people around me. My kids are adorable, funny, inspiring, and my whole world generally. I've also got a few day care kids who come in and out of our life and they're extremely cute and fun in their own ways. I am incredibly busy being a mom, homeschool teacher, day care provider, homemaker (a.k.a. house put-back-togetherer), wife, daughter, and Church member. I really like my life, in general, as I've created most aspects of it myself very intentionally.

HOWEVER, you've probably heard by now that my Cheri is leaving us in six weeks. SIX WEEKS! When I was younger, a month felt like forever, and I could change my entire personality in that time. Now, though, I'm grown-up(ish) enough to realize that it's only six Saturdays away, and not nearly enough time to do all the things I thought I'd need to do to prepare. Our house and yard are not all ready, my kids aren't trained like I've always dreamed they'd be, and I'm still just getting going with this day care thing (which is really hard and detailed and long, by the way). Also, it was supposed to take off a month ago and give us enough money to relax a little for a few weeks before he left. Then we could play with the kids, go on vacation, take a weekend to celebrate our 10th anniversary (which he's going to miss), and most importantly, be able to plan for a trip to see him in August when he graduates basic training.

See, that's the plan: I work my butt off caring for kids in addition to my own while I'm alone here at home while he goes off to finally finish some sort of schooling and self-improvement opportunities SO that we can visit each other every couple of months SO we don't end up divorced or with kids who don't know their father and SO we can look back on this time as a challenging, but rewarding time when we finally got out of debt and created some options for our long-term financial stability. It's not the easiest thing in the world, but we've never been known for finding an easy way to do anything.

Our timing has always been a little off, from the two weeks we actually dated before getting engaged, to the two weeks we had together before getting married to put together a wedding and set up life together on this continent, to the four weeks we waited to get pregnant after we got married. Since then, it's been one thing after another: another kid, another financial crisis, a business to start up and run, losing major money that wasn't mine so I was stuck running it to try to pay it back, then trying to find someone to buy the business because we were done but it wasn't, and then finally finding someone to do that, eventually moving to "the country" because life was just too hectic and our house was just too small.

Last year was full of medical bills out the wazoo from a dozen different crises, the loss of a third of our salary because of the construction slow-down, a flood and bedroom/bathroom remodel ourselves. (I mean me and my 1yr old, mostly), and Cheri working out of town three-fourths of the winter. This year so far is just the Air Force enlistment, starting up a business (AGAIN?!), and basement remodel to accomodate it (and spend every spare penny we had).

So the thing I've learned in all of these experiences, is that you cannot get rid of stressors. Stress is here to stay, at least for some of us, and the only thing we can do about it is increase the supports we have. My Cheri has always been my biggest support for the stressors of life; he's always helped with the housework, doing dishes and laundry like a machine. He biked miles to work year-round for three years so we could put off a second car, he makes his own breakfast and lunches as he's always left for work by 5 or 6 am, he helps the kids clean up the house at nights so we're ready for school in the morning, and he's willing to do whatever heavy work I beg him to do. Losing him as a support is really going to leave a big hole. He's not normally much of a conversationalist, but he's gotten much better at it through the years. We love to watch Nat. Geo. or P.B.S. shows together nowadays, or talk about foreign affairs (especially Mid. East stuff).

Lest I paint too rosy a picture, we sometimes are "two ships crossing in the night", with very different temperments & schedules, and we don't really have a lot of interests in common, but we've definately grown more compatible through the years. He's the "ying to my yang", as the saying goes. So it's throwing me for a loop in a major way to try to function for a long time without his "checks and balances".

I feel like I've been swimming underwater for the last 10yrs, and I'm finally coming up for air. I've been so lost in the daily grind that I've put my own needs, wishes, and coping skills on the back burner in a major way. It's so cliche to say "I've lost myself" but when you take him out of the picture, it's somewhat true in my case. I've identified myself by my kids, but now that I'm being left with just them, I know I've got to get my own act together a little better. Finding old friends on Facebook and seeing all that they've done and become has been therapeutic in many ways, but it's opened up a can of worms in my own psyche as well. I'm forced to compare what I've become to what I thought I wanted to be and do earlier in my life. I want to be a mom more than anything, but I want to be a fulfilled, happy, whole mom.

I did go back to school a few years ago when I was pregnant with Abby and got a taste of being alone. I had to drop Jonah, who was 4, and Teva, who was a year and a half at the campus day care, which was really hard to do. I took a women's lit class with a prof that really liked my writing. She was so complimentary, it was kind of a bummer to end up not turning in a couple of assignments because my family couldn't spare me the time to do homework. I didn't mind so much when it was the other guy prof who was kind of rude about it. I did great on the assignments I was able to get done, but could never find the time to get it all in. I loved reading books with other people, though, and discussing and critiquing the stories. I can't quite get into neighborhood book groups since then, though. I guess I've become kind of a literature snob who doesn't want to waste my precious free time reading what other people choose, especially if it's trendy & tittilating involving teenage wizards or slutty vampires. I like a challenge, and it has to be meaningful and relevant somehow for me to justify the time, but I'm not going to blow my GPA further by trying to do school while my kids need me so much.

I love homeschooling with my kids, and we get to read a lot together, which is what I live for. I seriously think I work to birth them and change them and feed them for the sole purpose of one day laughing and reading with them. Everyone who tries to help me simplify my life tells me to give up homeschooling. I'd like to give up diapers. Or dishes. I could give up laundry, if you like. Homeschooling is the best part. I do everything else so I CAN do school. I realize that's not normal. I've never claimed to be normal. I need to find some other thing(s) though, to do with and for myself, or I'll never make it without a co-captain of this ship. Exchanging ideas and funny stuff is what gets me filled up enough to take care of the "itty bittys" (quoting a mission pal).

I've always gotten pregnant at this point. It's a good way to use creative powers, while keeping you too busy and tired to do other things. I know I'm not done yet, there's at least a little sister left to come, but it would undermine the whole experiment we're undertaking for me to get knocked up now. I wouldn't be able to handle 11 kids with morning sickness, and my Cheri would be too distracted to be able to actually focus and get his own work done.

So I guess I'll have to write. Don't get me wrong. I really like to write. It's just kind of like opening a dam when I start it again (as you can tell from reading this). I wrote 5 volumes of journal on my mission. I don't really write stories, or anything entertaining either. Sorry. Thinly veiled autobiography is as close as I get to fiction, actually. I don't really know how to channel the flow, which is why I shut it down often instead. But every once in a while, someone can connect to it, and then it's magic. That's my inner artist. Not really as separate and fresh as a real artist, but a creative drive that wells up inside of me and forces its way out with a string of words. Or a flower bed that looks just right, or a new recipe I put together with the random ingredients we have left, or designing a history curriculum. Organizing ideas is what I do.

The alternative is that I just cry randomly and blow up at my kids daily for the next 8 months. And the year and a half after that when he'll have to work on base in Tacoma while we stay here...and, don't forget, he could be deployed at any point after he finishes his training next year....nah, I don't like to cry that much. I already have a perpetually snotty nose from alergies.

So, any insights or reflections would be appreciated, but it's okay if the only response is my Cheri's usual, "So what do you want me to say?" That is if he doesn't fall asleep (which he just did, when I read this to him). I guess I realized today I need to write it, even if there's no audience.